Finally understood~~

Saturday, 25 October 2008.... 10.23am

I had a good sleep last night. I had a dream as well.. i'm always dreaming.. and my dreams are weird. Before i went to sleep.. i was thinking how i will i feel this morning. I'm not sure if suddenly i will break down again. But one thing for sure, i've open up alot.. and maybe I've came to point where actually i can let go already but i just didn't realized it. Last night i finally understood everything. i finally know why is he acting like that all this while. why is he lost. why is he always in the 'i don't know' state.

i always thought he never had any actions towards our relationship but i was all wronged. He told me its hurts when i ask him that question. He ask me sometimes he doesn't know whether we broke up is because of my character or him? Is it true that when you love someone, you have to totally accept for who he/she is? Is it wrong if your trying to change him/her for her own good's sake?

Some people may think you are nobody to change somebody. i asked myself.. why do i change? And i asked Eunice before... why do i change? Is it i change for myself or for him and the relationship? kinda pathetic right? i need to ask someone why i change... And i came to think that.. why should i change for him? If he loves me, he should accept me for who i am.. But as time pass... i realised.. i've gone from a close reserve self defensive me to a open carefree happy go lucky smiling me.

Yesterday we touch about this issue as well. he told me is his actions correct? He should love me for who i am.. and He told me.. he's not sure whether i change because of my own good or for him and the relationship.. He thinks it is wrong if he is trying to change me.. strange.. after he said that.. i was in a deep thought mode. Now i feel that I've change.. is it for me or for him? But i told myself that during this change I've become more of a happier person.. I'm fine tune with it. I don't find myself changing in this process is difficult unwilling and sad. I'm fine... hence... i know that change is for myself.. not for anyone.. not even for him and our relationship.

Boo boo.. now that i finally know that you've been bearing all that stress for 2 years. And i don't blame you for that and your parents as well. i guess we both have wrongs because we love each other so much, we understand each other too well and we compromise too much.

Our relationship is so complicated suddenly.. reasons are way too much and accumulated to what it is today. But finally we understood.. i understood..

Yes, i do think your selfish. I know if we continue this relationship, the deeper we'll get into.. and it'll hurt. i don't think it is a waste of my time and i don't want you to think your wasting my time. i totally understand.. and I'm ready for every consequences.

i always thought of i've done my part and the rest is up to him and the answers is always with him. But after yesterday, the answer is with me. He can't choose so i choose.

i don't know my answer yet... i just want to be happy and not to get hurt anymore.